i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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