I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize