Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize