at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize