so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
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I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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