so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just gift wrapped bread.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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