i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
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You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
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When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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