I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize