Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
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This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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