I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
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I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
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I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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