i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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