Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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