i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
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He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
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my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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