Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
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My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
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Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
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