I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize