I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize