She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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