my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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