He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
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I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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