Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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