White coat. Heels.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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