Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
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Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
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I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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