i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
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He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
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Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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