thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
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Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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