i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize