I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
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I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
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Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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