haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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