I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Someone signed my nipple.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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