I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
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The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
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I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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