Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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