K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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