your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
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I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
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Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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