I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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