i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
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We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
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You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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