you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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