Please, let me fuck your mom
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
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I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
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My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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