I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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