How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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