Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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