I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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