Just took my morning after pill in the library
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
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I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
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I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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