sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
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if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
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That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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