The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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