If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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