dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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