I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize