i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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