he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
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other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
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I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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