last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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