Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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